A friend taught us a game that they play with their daughter each night at dinner to talk about their day called Roses and Thorns. The rose is the best part of your day and the thorn is the worst part of your day. You can also talk about your bud for the day, which is something you are looking forward to. Diana has loved this game, and has even added her own twist to it by also asking about our blossom, which is our favorite person we spent time with that day.
I never thought that it would lead to Diana giving me some really helpful advice.
Brene Brown talks in her audiobook “The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting” that it is important to let our kids see us struggle and go through challenges in order to learn that it’s okay to try and fail and to walk through hard things even when we don’t know how they are going to turn out. I have been trying to do that for Diana, telling her when I was nervous to take a big test or when I was scared to try a new skill at the gym. I have also been sharing candidly about the challenges at work so she can start to understand those, as well.
One night, recently, when it was my turn to share, I was honest about a situation at work where I worked really hard on something and someone told me that he was going to do it his own way no matter what I had created. (I am paraphrasing - but I am keeping it general to protect the not-so-innocent.) I told her that it was frustrating because I could tell that it was going to end up backfiring and make the situation worse, when I was trying to make it better. She said quietly listening (which is a miracle in and of itself), and then, she responded thoughtfully.
“Sounds like you are dealing with a bully.”
I smiled and told her that this guy was, indeed, a bully.
Then, like one of those cartoons where a lightbulb shines over someone’s head when they get an idea, she brightened, holding up one finger, and said excitedly, “I know what you should do! You should use the debug method. Mrs. Coleman taught us about that in school for how to deal with bullies!” Next, she walked us through the steps of what to do, counting off on her fingers as she went along:
You ignore them.
You asked them politely to stop.
You ask them in a firm voice to stop. (Her demonstration of a firm voice was precious!)
You tell your teacher and ask them to help.
She finished with a smile and looked at me expectantly. Steven looked at me expectantly too and asked “Well, what do you think?” I laughed and told her that I would give it a try.
As it turns out, I got a chance to practice the very next day with this same bully.
First, I ignored him and just kept going with my presentation, and then, when it became clear he wasn’t going to be ignored, I asked if he could hold his comments to the end. He smirked and said he would try - but didn’t make even 60 more seconds before interrupting again. So, I took a deep breath and used my firm voice to remind him that we would have time at the end for comments and questions and that some of his concerns might get addressed if he would let me finish. He rolled his eyes, crossed his arms, and leaned back in his seat. I wish I could say that I didn’t let this guy get under my skin, but my blood was boiling at this point. So, I deployed the final step of the debug system and texted my teacher/boss under the table and asked him to speak up to intervene - and he did.
Bully, debugged.
That night at dinner, Diana cut right to the chase, she asked if I had used the debug system that day, and I told her I did. She clapped her hands, told me she was proud of me, and smiled while I gave her the details of the bully encounter.
Don’t get me wrong, I hated having to go through this with the bully at work, but it made my night to see her so excited to give advice that I used. It was definitely my rose for the day.
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