The God that makes trees

When I first got sober, I had a list of things that would be “bad enough” for me to be “allowed” to drink over – and getting cancer was at the top of the list. I was only a couple of years out from losing my mom to cancer, so the pain of losing her and the fear of going through something like that myself was acute. But here I am – with my own cancer diagnosis, and not only am I not drinking over it (and not even wanting to), most of the time, I feel a peace I couldn’t have expected.

I can only attribute that to God.

God and I have come a LONG way in the past 22 years.

When my mom died, I got angry with God. She had been a woman of deep faith and one of his best servants – and yet, from my perspective, it seemed that He had turned His back on her. When I was still in the throes of my alcoholism in the couple of years after that, I would occasionally toss up a prayer to a God I wasn’t sure I even believed in anymore to rescue me from the despair I was feeling or the circumstances I had put myself in.

So, when I saw that God was referenced over and over in the 12 Steps, I almost turned on my heel and walked out. Thankfully, at the very first meeting I attended, the women there shared that they had found their own understanding of a Higher Power, and that I was allowed to stick around and figure out for myself what the word God meant to me, in my own time.

It felt like a wrestling match for months as I debated and pondered, trying to figure it out. I sat in meetings where people shared what worked for them, I talked to my sponsor and other women about how they had found a faith that worked for them, and I listened to CDs of speakers sharing their thoughts, too. (It was 2002 – CDs were high tech!)

None of it really clicked with me until one day, when I was out walking my dog, Chelsea, and I leaned up against a tree. I felt the rough bark under my palm, while leaning up against the sturdy trunk, and took a deep breath to try to calm my mind a little. With the next breath, I closed my eyes so I could focus on hearing the rustling of the leaves and the way the breeze felt on my face. My heartbeat slowed down, and I settled in to being present in the moment.

In that peaceful moment, a thought sprung into my mind: “I don’t make trees.”

My eyes flew open, and I stared at the tree trunk under my hand. Running my hand over the bark, I suddenly had a new appreciation for whatever force of the universe that had made that tree. It was in that moment that I realized that there was something bigger than me that was making the trees grow, the wind blow, my heart to beat and every other miracle around me.

It was like a lightning bolt to my soul.

I ran home to call my sponsor and tell her about my newfound realization. After recognizing that I truly had a shift in my thinking about whatever God might be, she encouraged me to start praying to the “God that makes trees,” and to keep exploring what else might be true about this Higher Power.

That was the first step in me beginning a new relationship with God.

Not too long after that, I was listening to one of my favorite recovery speakers on CD, and he said that it was told to him that he “couldn’t be angry at a God that he didn’t believe in.” That hit me like a 2x4 between the eyes, just like it had for him. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God, it was that I was angry at him. That meant that I had work to do on our relationship, but not that He never existed to begin with. God wasn’t lost or missing – I put walls up because I was hurt and angry.

Another big step in my journey with God.

Over the years, my idea of God has evolved from the “God that makes trees”. All these years later, I still feel the presence of God when I take my morning hikes in the woods with my dog Lindsey – but I also feel and see His presence everywhere, if I am paying attention.

The God I know today is loving, kind, attentive, forgiving, helpful, gracious and hilarious. I used to think I had to be perfect before I prayed, but now, I know that God loves me as I am and is just glad I am still showing up to continue working on our relationship. In return for asking for his protection and care, I get it, in spades. That obviously doesn’t mean that my life is without challenges (see also: cancer), but it means that when I face those challenges, I am not doing it alone or without support. And when I get scared or too far away to feel that as much as I want to, I have people in my life that remind me and help nudge me back where I need to be.

As it turns out, my mom felt the same way.  We saw that firsthand as she went through her cancer journey. This is the testimony she shared at our church about her experience with God carrying her through:

Good morning. My name is Diane Jersey. Our family moved here four years ago from Annapolis, Maryland. My husband, Dave, works for UPS in Philadelphia. My daughter, Jeannine, is a freshman at Penn State – main campus. My son, Kevin, is a senior at East High School. My daughter, Jessica, is in seventh grade at Fugett Middle School.

I am the fourth of five daughters, originally from Kansas City. My dad’s job with the FAA required us to relocate every year that I was in elementary school. I don’t remember this as being too difficult or traumatic. We always became involved in a local church, wherever we settled. The church was an anchor in our lives.

I really appreciated that spiritual foundation, more than ever this past year. Without my faith in God, and the support of my church and family, I don’t know how I could have made it through this year.

In August of 1993, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My treatment would include 3 months of chemotherapy, a modified radical mastectomy, 3 more months of chemotherapy and then, 6 weeks of radiation. Prior to treatment, I had a bone scan, heart scan, chest x-ray and various blood tests. Each test came out clear! This gave us hope that the cancer was localized. Praise the Lord!

As people began to hear of my illness, wonderful things happened. I received cards, flowers, food and phone calls from all over the country. There was such an outpouring of love and support that I couldn’t help but feel uplifted.

My husband accompanied me to every test, doctor appointment and treatment. I believe he would have gone in my place, if that would have been possible. I will always be grateful for his support. Alan Brown came and prayed with us at the hospital on the day of my biopsy. He, Barbara and Pat also stayed in frequent contact throughout my treatment. Always encouraging and cheerful, they visited me after my surgery, as well.

I can count many blessings throughout this year. My medical insurance is certainly something to be grateful for! My team of doctors is all thoroughly competent, and wonderfully upbeat and compassionate individuals. My neighbors and friends provided countless meals, phone calls and cards of encouragement.

There were many times that God was obviously at work in my life this past year. For example, during chemotherapy, if your white blood count goes very low, you are vulnerable to infection, which may require hospitalization for IV antibiotics. During one cycle, I was precariously close to being hospitalized. My fever inched up and up. Coincidentally, my Bible Study Group from Annapolis was meeting that evening. They called to see how I was doing and promised to pray that my fever would go down. Almost immediately, it did! Never doubt the power of prayer!

Another unexpected occurrence was the need for a blood transfusion. My red blood cells were not strong enough to sustain me through surgery. Although my husband and daughter were willing to donate blood on my behalf – they are both A-positive. I needed O-positive blood. The rest of my family lives in Texas, so their help was not an option. Without a moment’s hesitation, one of my oncology nurses donated blood for me that very day. We contacted Alan Brown, here at Grove, and within hours, he had recruited additional donors from our church. Words cannot express my gratitude to those people! I felt so much better with my new blood!

My mother passed away the day after Thanksgiving in San Antonio, Texas. Once again, God was working my life. I was at a good point in my treatment, so I was able to attend her funeral. On of my mother’s friends, who she affectionately called her “Guardian Angel” whispered to me at the service, that she knew about my “little problem” and would continue to pray for me. I was deeply touched.

Without a doubt, this has been the most challenging year in my life. However, it has also been the most faith affirming. No matter what has happened. God has provided the strength and grace to get through it. One of my favorite Bible verses is “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.” I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I do know that God will guide me through it all.

Amen, Mom. Amen,